Attachment Styles: The Blueprint Beneath Your Bonds

Christena
May 20
4 min read

Attachment styles are often determined when we are children.

"Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.”

— Rumi

We all want to love and be loved. That part’s universal. But how we go about it? That’s where things get interesting.

Whether you’re anxiously refreshing a “read” message bubble, keeping your distance without knowing why, or somehow doing both at the same time (hello, disorganized folks!), your attachment style might be calling the shots behind the scenes.

What is an attachment style, anyway?

Attachment theory began with the work of John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth, who studied how children form bonds with caregivers. It turns out those early experiences shape our inner template for connection. We learn what love feels like. What we have to do to feel safe. What happens if we cry. Or if we don’t.

As adults, our attachment style plays out in our relationships — in how we love, how we argue, how we hold on, and how we let go. These styles aren’t random. They’re adaptations. Maps we drew in childhood to help us navigate closeness, distance, fear, and connection.

It’s not about blame. It’s about realizing that some of our reactions were learned responses to pain or uncertainty. And now, we have the chance to rewrite them with more care and intention.

The Four Main Attachment Styles

Secure Attachment You feel comfortable with both closeness and independence. You trust easily, communicate openly, and know how to self-soothe. (We see you, securely attached unicorns. Teach us your ways.)
Anxious Attachment You crave connection, but often fear abandonment. You might find yourself hyper-aware of shifts in others, seeking reassurance, or worrying that you’re “too much.”
A client once described it to me like this: "It's like I’m always holding out a cup for love, waiting for it to be filled, but the cup has a small crack, and I can never quite trust it will stay full." That image stayed with me. Because so many of us are still holding out cups from childhood, unsure how to feel full on our own.
Avoidant Attachment You value independence and may struggle with vulnerability. Intimacy can feel overwhelming, so you might keep people at a safe distance, even when you want closeness. (You’re not cold. You’ve just learned to protect the parts of yourself that feel too exposed.)
Disorganized Attachment Also called fearful-avoidant, this one is a bit of a push-pull. You may want love, but fear what it might cost. Relationships can feel confusing, unpredictable, or unsafe.
(Your nervous system is trying to prepare for every possible outcome. Of course you’re exhausted.)

A Deeper Layer

You can develop a more secure attachment style as you start to heal childhood wounds.

Many of our attachment wounds are hiding underneath the masks we wear. We become the “helper,” the “easygoing one,” the “strong one,” or the “quiet achiever,” because those identities made us feel accepted or safe. And while there’s nothing wrong with these roles, they can start to feel heavy. Especially if we forget that they’re just part of us, not the whole story.

Healing begins when we meet those parts with curiosity and kindness. When we ask, “What is this part trying to protect?” instead of “What’s wrong with me?”

What Can I Do to Heal My Attachment Style?

You don’t have to change your whole life overnight. Small, consistent acts of self-awareness and care create powerful momentum. Here are a few starting points:

Notice your patterns without judgment. Start to observe how you react in moments of closeness or conflict. What comes up? What helps?
Support your nervous system. Breathwork, grounding, movement, or even pausing to name your emotions can help you stay present instead of getting swept away.
Seek out safe connections. Healing happens in relationships that feel calm, clear, and kind. Whether it’s through therapy, friendship, or community, safe connection rewires old beliefs.
Reparent your inner child. Offer yourself the soothing, love, and acceptance you may have needed when you were young. It’s never too late to give yourself what you didn’t receive.
Set and respect boundaries. Love doesn’t mean always being available. Boundaries are how we stay true to ourselves and build trust with others.
Be patient. This work takes time. There will be setbacks and beautiful breakthroughs. Keep showing up for yourself.

A Gentle Invitation

Therapy can help you heal your attachment wounds in a safe and supportive environment.

If this post brought something up for you, take a breath. You’re not broken. You’re human. And being human is not easy work.

But it's the best work.

And you've got this.

If you're ready to explore your own attachment patterns, heal old wounds, and build the kind of relationships that feel safe and steady, I’d be honoured to walk beside you.

📩 Want to explore more? You can book a session here or reach out with questions. I’d love to support you.

Warmly,

Christena

Love and support to you on your journey.