Reclaiming Your Voice: When You’re Not Sure What to Say Because You’re Not Sure Who You Are
- Christena
- Jun 16
- 4 min read
“The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.” — Carl Rogers
Sometimes we don’t even know what we want to say, because we don’t know ourselves.
That line has been echoing for me lately, in my own life, in the stories shared in therapy sessions, in the poignant moments when someone looks up and says, “I don’t know what I feel anymore.” Where does this confusion, self-doubt, and disconnect come from? Well, sometimes it’s because our voice got lost under layers of survival, shape-shifting, and silence.
This post is for anyone trying to find their voice again, or wondering if they ever really had one at all.
Losing Our Voice: The Quiet Disappearance
For many of us, the loss wasn’t loud. It was subtle. We learned early which parts of us were welcome and which were too much, too emotional, too outspoken. Or, conversely, we got told we were didn't speak enough, engage enough, or weren't outgoing compared to others. We were praised for being easygoing, agreeable, flexible, likeable. We took on roles: the helper, the achiever, the peacekeeper, or the golden-child. Somewhere along the way, we stopped checking in with ourselves.
We became fluent in what others needed but unfamiliar with our own truths.
When the World Teaches You to Be Someone Else
This isn’t just about personal history. Culture plays a role too.
Social media invites performance. Work culture rewards productivity over authenticity. Our communities, families, and circles of friends might value harmony over honesty. None of these things are inherently wrong, but they can cloud our inner knowing.
We start asking:
Will this make me look difficult?
Am I being too sensitive?
What if I say the wrong thing?
And beneath all that noise, our real voice gets muffled.
Toxic Relationships Can Also Rewrite Us
Some of the deepest silencing happens inside unhealthy relationships, especially ones marked by control, manipulation, or emotional enmeshment.
In those environments, we don’t just stay quiet. We slowly become someone we’re not. We second-guess our feelings. We shrink to avoid conflict. We learn to adapt so deeply to someone else’s moods or needs that our own identity starts to fade.
This can happen in romantic partnerships, friendships, families, and even professional settings.
If this rings true for you, please hear this: You’re not being dramatic. You’re not broken. You adapted because you needed to. And if it’s safe now, you can begin to come back to yourself.
So How Do You Reclaim Your Voice?
This isn’t about being louder. It’s about being more honest. Not louder to others, but clearer with yourself.
Here are some ways to begin:
1.Talk to Your Younger Self
Picture yourself at a younger age, maybe as a child or teen. Ask: What was I afraid to say? What was I not allowed to feel? Let that version of you speak. Listen closely.
2. Notice When You’re Performing
Start to catch yourself in those micro-moments when you say “I’m fine” but feel otherwise. Ask: Am I being truthful, or am I trying to be palatable?
3. Get Curious About the Parts You’ve Pushed Away
Shadow work is about noticing what you hide, not to shame it but to welcome it home. Anger, boldness, sensitivity: all parts of you are valid. Some were just taught they weren’t.
4. Use Social Media as a Mirror, Not a Mask
Mute or unfollow anything that makes you feel less than. Follow people who speak with honesty, humor, and heart. Let that energy reflect your own permission to be real.
5. Ask: “Is This Belief Mine?”
When you catch yourself defaulting to a certain thought or reaction, pause. Where did that belief come from? Is it yours, or did you inherit it from someone else?
6. Work With Your Ego, Not Against It
The ego is not the enemy. It’s a protector. You can thank it and then gently say, “I’ve got this now.” With time, your deeper voice will begin to step forward.
7. Say One Honest Thing Each Day
Small truths matter. “I don’t feel up for that today.” “That hurt.” “This feels meaningful to me.” Every time you speak honestly, you strengthen your sense of self.
Your Voice Hasn't Vanished. It’s Been Waiting.
“People will do anything, no matter how absurd, to avoid facing their own souls. They will practice Indian yoga and all its exercises, observe a strict regimen of diet, learn the literature of the whole world — all because they cannot get on with themselves and have not the slightest faith that anything useful could ever come out of their own soul.”— Carl Jung
Finding your voice isn’t a one-time breakthrough. It’s a slow return. Some days it will feel natural. Other days it will feel foreign. That’s okay.
You don’t need to be fully healed or perfectly confident to begin. You just need a willingness to listen for what’s real, even if it starts as a whisper.
Your voice isn’t gone. It’s still here. And it’s yours.
Reclaiming your voice isn’t about becoming someone new. It’s about remembering who you were before the world told you to be quiet. It’s the slow, courageous work of turning back toward yourself and saying, “I hear you now.”
If this speaks to you, I’d love to hear from you. You’re welcome to share your reflections, comment on the blog, or reach out directly through SEEK. Your voice matters: even if it’s shaky, even if it’s new, even if you’re just starting to find it again.
Love and support to you on your journey.
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